Friday, April 26, 2024

Letting go


I have always struggled with forgiveness - towards my self and others. I think the core of unforgiveness is not being able to let go.

Letting go is scary because hanging on to all that perceived wrong doing has become so much a part of who I am.

I read recently that forgiveness is like a spiral. We forgive, then something happens to remind us of our experience and the spiral takes us right back to where we were before.

I made some poor decisions a very long time ago that impact my life in so many ways to this day.

Forgiving that naive young woman is really hard. I sometimes imagine going back in time as my middle aged self and giving young me a huge hug. I'd look into the unlined eyes of young Lizzie and tell her that I love her and that I understand why she's chosen this path - and that I forgive her for the pain up ahead.

Young me made a decision based on values I held back then. Yet I know deep inside there was a voice ( future me?) trying to get through to me - a voice I rationalized away...

A beautiful brave friend tried to give me a reality check but I became defensive and angry.

Being constantly weighed down by guilt is no way to live. It stifles my energy, interferes with my sleep, zaps my creativity and keeps me chained to the past.

The unforgiveness I harbour towards close family also causes pain and angst. Can I apply the same strategy when it comes to those close to me, who have hurt and wounded me?

If I can let go and forgive myself surely I can then release those who I feel  ' owe' me something?

How would it feel to truly let go? What would my life look like? I'd really like to find out...

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